The deepest part is this: I’d let her do it again.
At first, I thought it was love. I thought the way she crawled inside my head and rearranged the furniture was intimacy. I thought the way she knew my fears better than I did was safety. But that was just the excavation. she ruined me, deeper
: This specific phrasing is common in "sad girl" pop, emo, or dark R&B genres (e.g., artists like Lana Del Rey or The Weeknd often explore themes of emotional destruction). The deepest part is this: I’d let her do it again
I can’t even hate her. That’s the ruin. Hate would be clean. Hate would be a knife. This is a disease. I still want her to text me. I still check my phone when a specific notification sound goes off. I still, for one sick half-second, believe it might be her. That’s the ruin. Not that she left. That she left a ghost of herself inside my nervous system. I thought the way she knew my fears
She might have ruined who you were , but she doesn’t get to decide who you become . The depth of the ruin is often an indicator of your capacity to feel. And if you can feel that much pain, you eventually have the capacity to feel that much peace again—just with a different, more careful heart.